IT'S BUSY IN THERE.. Had I known the obstacles I might encounter in this "quest" I've set aboot undertaking, I'd have packed a jackhammer, a Swiffer and several cans of WhoopAss just to get through some of the thick stuff. Hah!

Yesterday I shared that I've been going to work sans mask. Today was day three. It's very interesting to me that I'm actually seeing people reacting differently toward me. I've always had a "policy" for lack of a better word, for not getting close to many people that I share the same workspace with, for many reasons I'm sure you can imagine so I'll not go into that. But I've been more aware of how I relate to people and I think that I have projected a sort of "keep your distance" force field. I don't think that I'm all that approachable. People seem to respect me but I find that I am not one to be included in those little gossipy circles that are so prevalent in workplaces where there is a majority of women. Don't get me wrong, that's more than fine with me. I don't get off on that kind of relating. I'm the person people come to for answers to music trivia or how to spell a word or who starred in a movie or things like that. They'll come to me for advice on how to deal with this or that. I've had people say they trust me not to repeat things and that they know I'll give an honest opinion. I like that and I'm proud to have that reputation. I'm speaking in general terms, of course.

The past few days have been interesting. I honestly don't think I'm behaving much differently, I'm basically just not trying to be Miss Smiley Hunky Dory. I'm smiling and saying hi, how are ya, that kind of thing. But not when I don't mean it. So let's say, I dunno, maybe it's been cut in half. I don't mean this to sound all snotty or whatever, just making an attempt at being completely honest with myself. But anyway, little subtle things are happening. For instance, someone (who I don't normally have a conversation with often) was waiting at the end of the hall for me and wanted to share a web address of a site she'd come across and thought I might be interested. That was nice. And yeah, I'm finding myself a little more relaxed. That's never a bad thing. I'm amusing myself with this little exercise. And hopefully growing and losing some bad habits.

Today I spent some time thinking aboot what growing up means. I don't know how obvious this might be to any of you but I have never grown up. Not consciously, anyway. For the most part, it hasn't caused me a lot of problems. But it's just not entirely natural for a woman of my, um, stage in life. I'm going to be giving that some thought. In the mean time, feel free to tell me your experinces, like when did you know for sure you were an adult? Things like that.

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GOT'S TA GIT IN GEAR

The other day when I was Googling images of masks to upload, I came across this site and it's just aboot the coolest site I've seen in a while. I wanted to share it with you.

I'm very interested in collage art and have been feeling creative lately and thinking of tackling my first project in this medium. I've been collecting interesting pieces of "things" forever; ticket stubs, old photos, stamps, flower petals, you name it, all with the intention of putting it all together some way to express myself. When I find some spare time, I'll start planning.

Just thinking aboot it and wishing I would take that first step...

Oh by the way, yesterday and today I left my mask at home. It was surprisingly easy. Nothing awful happened. I'm not entirely sure but I think I may have felt a bit more relaxed than usual.
Then why am I so tired? Go figure. G'night.

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MASKS WE WEAR

I'm concentrating on the "mask" thing and why I do it...

Possible reasons include:

* I get off on attention and I want people to think, "Gee, Linda's sure got it all together."
* I want people to think I'm unsinkable (Molly Brown? I included a link for youngsters who maybe never heard of Molly) I guess these are both tied together. But why do I do this? I dunno, I better work on this. Seems a little f***ed up to me...
* I love to make people happy and it seems I have this (rather arrogant) idea that if I "spread the cheer" somehow I am going to make a difference in someone's day. Is this f***ed up? Or is it just being thoughtful on my part?

This intropection thing is beginning to make me just a little bit nervous. I'm not sure now that I know myself as well as I thought I did. Hmmmn. What if I uncover this whole other person and I don't like what I find? I liked me the way I was.

I don't mean to give the impression that I wear a "mask" all of the time. I'm a pretty genuine kind of person. I really and truly care aboot other people. Part of the reason I'm having to struggle with this right now is because I'm focussing on me and that's not something I'm accustomed to. But I can't quit now. The more time I'm spending thinking, I keep getting the feeling that I'm on the verge of some kind of breakthrough that will make a difference. If I could just get over this feeling of being selfish while I'm doing it, I don't think it would be such a struggle for me. It seems to be connected to the avoidance thing. I've spent so much of my life looking outward maybe in an effort to avoid looking inward? But why? Another question that needs answering.

It's becoming obvious to me that I need to concentrate on just one thing, I'm getting too scattered and feeling a bit overwhelmed. Help with this would be appreciated.

Too much thinking for now.

So my daughter and her family are in for a major life change, in case you didn't know. Mr. JuJu has accepted a position in the Buffalo NY area and they have been preparing to relocate. I am a bit sad that they will be moving further away from me but that is way overshadowed by the fact that they will: a) be closer to Mr.'s family, b) will have a bigger house and c) Mr. will be able to spend less time travelling. So aside from that teeny downside, it's all looking wonderful. I myself have some family ties in that area. As they presently reside in Ohio, they are far from any family at all and that will be remedied. I'm totally thrilled for them.

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ON AND ON AND ON...

Well, I've read aboot 20 blogs now and can no longer put off writing. I spent a lot of time today thinking aboot my coping mechanisms. Of course there's the ever-present Avoidance that I've developed into an art. We're all-too-familiar with that... but I'm beginning to wonder if I've missed my true calling. I think perhaps I should have been an actress.

I spend an awful lot of time and effort putting on a happy face. For some reason, yet to be determined by moi, it is crucial to me that no one knows when I'm truly sad or miserable or upset or uncomfortable or a myriad of other negative things. Most of the time, anyway and more often in real life than here. In fact this spilling of guts of late is highly unusual behavior for me. Unless it just feels that way to me since I've been feeling more vulnerable lately. My nearest and dearest I'm sure, know when I'm emotional but with others, I find it necessary to at least make an attempt to be cheerful and all hunky-dory. (Where the hell did that expression come from anyway?) I can't ever recall anyone at work or anywhere saying to me "Are you ok?" or "Are you having a bad day?" I don't know why I'm like this. It's gonna bug me till I figure it out. I shouldn't say "always" and "never" I guess. There are always exceptions. For the most part, I seem to save my whining and complaining for you poor people here.

Maybe I see letting one's true emotions show is some kind of weakness or a character flaw. Or maybe I've come to realize that most people don't really give a damn or want an honest answer when they say "How are you?" Maybe it's just easier to pretend everything is fine. Maybe I enjoy the challenge. Maybe it makes me feel superior. I dunno. I probably really do need a therapist after all... Maybe I'm just honing my acting skills, preparing for my next life. I need to figure this out.

I had more to add to yesterday's post aboot being unsatisfied with my life. Part of the problem is that I find my self internalizing a lot of the frustration and anger. There is some sadness too. I certainly can't and won't discuss it to any degree with PD. He feels responsible for many of our problems already. There isn't a damn thing he can do aboot his illness that hasn't already been tried. I would never want to make him feel worse. Which brings me to another thing... All these feelings that I'm sharing with you; the anger, frustration, etc... I feel guilty for feeling them. I am healthy (relatively) and PD is not. I should be grateful and satisfied. We have a roof over our heads, wonderful families, food to eat, etc. etc. So when I get all mopey and antsy like this, I feel guilty. In a way I feel justified, but when I listen to myself, it all seems so selfish and shallow of me.

A big part of my gripe, for lack of a better word is this- in my first marriage, due to health problems with my first husband also, I was the "responsible one." Quite a few years into our marriage, he was diagnosed as bi-polar. I managed the household, paid the bills, disciplined the kids, all that kind of thing. It wore me out. Physically and emotionally. That lasted 15 years. When I met PD and we fell in love and started planning for the future, I was elated. This time, I thought, we could share responsibilities. Decision-making, establishing a home, things like that we could share. I didn't want to be the one "in charge."

I think you see where I am going with this. More later. It's my bedtime.

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THE SEARCH CONTINUES...

I'm beginning to wonder if all the hot air I typed yesterday aboot all the problems with the world was a (subconscious) ploy to get my own attention off myself. I knew all those problems are there. I just hadn't really given it a solid block of attention in awhile. Ah, avoidance. I'm detecting a definite pattern here. I guess I need to look at some things closer to home, things that directly affect me.

As for a correlation between yesterday's post and my own imminent dilemma, I don't even take much medication. In fact, I should probably be on some kind of anti-inflammatory again/still for the costochondritis. (Yeah, it's still here. Amazing what you can learn to live with, huh?) But I don't like to take things. I seldom get headaches, except migraines which were coming monthly (you know, female migraines) but those haven't been an issue for quite awhile, thankfully. I had pills for those that I only took when I absolutely had to. I take a small dose of Lexapro daily. It is an anti-depressant but I was prescribed them to help manage hot flashes. Which they do, to a degree. I found out a week or so ago when I missed a day and then the following day, forgot to take one until noon. I'm still regretting that little slip-up. So you see, I'm not a member of the over-medicated sector of our society. And I'm too poor to buy everything in sight. I'm comfortable, I have everything I need but don't consider myself overly materialistic.

So wherein does my immediate problem lie? I'm grossly unsatisfied with life. Not life per se, I guess I should clarify, my life. And as if that isn't a big enough pill to swallow, (intended pun) I seem to be totally without the ambition or motivation to do a damn thing aboot it. Or the energy, now that I think aboot it. Should probably provide a little background for newer readers...

My life with PD changed drastically when he got sick. There are so many of the activities that we used to enjoy that he's just not able to tolerate any longer. He's very restricted physically which has been the hardest adjustment for him. He was very, very active right up until the Menieres. I would have called him a Do-aholic. I am not going to cite particular changes, there are too many.

You would totally think that I would be accustomed by now to living a different kind of life. In some ways I am, others not so. He developed the Menieres shortly after we were married in 2000. That was over 6 years ago.

My responsibilities increased a great deal when PD became ill. He's not able to drive. Not safely, anyway. Once in awhile he will assert his own big bad stubborn self and drive himself a few miles just to prove a point. I sweat and worry until he returns, but no one, and I mean, no one tells PD what he can or cannot do. That I am accustomed to. But I do, very much miss our old life together.

I'm just thinking aloud and starting to ramble. I really should try to organize my thoughts before sitting down here to post. I was going to talk aboot how much I've come to depend on this Internet for entertainment and companionship. I'll save that for another day. I'm tired now and think I'll go to bed.

Stay tooned for the next episode of The Search... when Linda finds out that she's the long-lost illegitimate daughter of a kleptomaniacal circus performer with dual citizenship and an undeveloped gift for premonition and an over-developed sexual appetite including an overt fetish for leopard-skin hats and red patent leather stillettos (the shoes, not the knives). And that's the father...

No, I'm not losing it. I'm trying to maintain a sense of humor. Just grin and bear it.

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SOUL SEARCHING III

OK. Prozac Nation is the story of a young girl (played by Christina Ricci) given the opportunity to pursue her dream of studying to be a journalist at Harvard University. She's had a rather f---ed up childhood, a victim/child of two equally f---ed up parents hell-bent on punishing each other. For what, I'm not sure. At any rate, the parents were too busy to give their daughter the love and attention she desperately craved. She grew up rebellious and self-destructive. When the time came for her to actually prove that she had what it took to be a successful journalist, all hell broke loose and she developed a severe case of writer's block that lasted for months. I don't want to say anymore because some of you have expressed the desire to see the movie.

Had I not spent so much time physically trying to get past a strong dislike for all but one character, I may have had nicer things to say aboot the movie. The only character I liked was the girl's roommate, Ruby. She spent the first half of their friendship trying to get her friend (Christina Ricci) laid, and the second half trying to help her be normal and happy. Good pal, huh?

Now to what I took away from the movie. It made me realize something I already knew aboot our society. Meaning, we Americans. I knew we spend too much time chasing stupid shit and that we are an over-medicated population. We take pills to make us sleep, pills to wake us up, pills to curb our appetite, pills to make our pee pees work, pills to get babies, pills to not have babies, pills to make us poop, pills so we don't pee our pants, pills to slow us down and perk us up. WTF??? What the hell did everybody do before the freakin' pills? I dunno, but they sure as shit weren't all dropping dead from heart attacks and cancer caused by clogged arteries and chemicals like we are. Sure, to a degree but. They say we are living longer now. I read statistics the other day that say this generation is already living longer than the one after us ever will. Am I starting to sound like "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Mr. Billy Joel?

So this all got me thinking that I need to just slow down and concentrate on what's real and what makes me happy and forget all the other stuff. People are too wrapped up in what color their hair should be, how much collagen and Botox they can stuff in their faces, how much fat they can have sliced and/or vacuumed out of their thighs, how big their butts and breasts are or aren't. Like that's any kind of measurement of a person's character... People who aren't obsessed with their appearance are pre-occupied with accumulating things. Things like cars... and gadgets... and things!!!

I'm not saying it's wrong to care aboot one's appearance. Or to have nice things. What I'm getting at is that if we are this preoccupied with stupid little shit on top of all the real crap we have to worry aboot, no wonder we can't face reality without a prescription or ten.

How many times a day do you catch yourself clenching your teeth? Holding your breath? Rubbing the back of your neck? We're tense. And we're afraid we can't keep up. I'm not a competetive-type person, even. I'm not trying to keep up with anyone except myself. And that's taking a toll. But now I know why I'm feeling so cornered and overwhelmed. Time to smell the roses, I guess. It amazes me that I found myself so far off base. I'm usually not one to lose sight of my shoreline like this. (Must be time to wrap this up, I'm making references to sports; baseball and sailing???)

I need to tell you all how much you've touched me with your comments and suggestions. I could never explain to a non-blogger what it feels like to be part of a circle of friendly "strangers" (and I mean that in the nicest possible way) who can make me laugh, smile, cry and shake my head in awe on an almost daily basis. In my way, I love you all. You make me wanna be a better person...

... and I'm going to keep working on that. Feel free to give me a kick in the ass or a slap on the wrist if you see me slipping. I know some of you will just be waiting for the opportunity... but that's ok. That's what friends are for.

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HONEST

I didn't break my promise to come here tonight and finish the post I was writing. Blogger wouldn't let me publish it for some reason. I have it saved in a document and hope I can figure out how to get it here. Might have to wait until tomorrow. Send Help.

If this posts and my other one won't, I'm really going to be confused. More.

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SOUL SEARCHING II

I'm not in a fessy mood tonight. I'm ok, just not up to putting thoughts and feelings into words.
Promise to be here tomorrow. Thanks so much for all the comments. You people rule.
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SOUL SEARCHING

This entry could be the most real, important (to me) that I've written to date. If you're not in the mood for anything more than a lite Sunday night/Monday morning read, please feel free to move on. This pouring-out could get heavy. You have been warned.

Just what feels like a few short months ago, I was feeling on top of the world. Turning 50, while feeling like a daunting feat, seemed to be a breeze for me. The unprofessed fear and trepidation that I felt previous to that fateful day proved ungrounded and I was flooded with relief to find that I handled it. Or should I say survived it. It seemed that after some much-needed inner-housecleaning of sorts, that I had my priorities in order and I felt that I was looking and feeling quite well for a woman of that substantive age and in general, everything was virtually coming up roses. The ominous and dreaded results I had predicated never came to be and I felt that I was home free.

Fast forward to less than a year later and I'm floundering in a state of cerebral turmoil, too fearful to even exert the effort to test the waters; too unsure of myself to commit to working through this. And not liking what's looking back at me in the mirror. People around me daily would argue, I think, as I have used all my energy the past couple of months to hold up my chin and put on a happy face. There comes a time when no one's around that finds me grappling to put the pieces back together. Those times started to come more often lately, so often that I barely had time to pull myself together between episodes. I even hid it from PD and am still working on that. Unless he reads here, he could still be unaware. Or just not saying.

But last night I had an epiphany. What has held me together to this point has in large part been due to the kind and caring words and warmth I've received here, from you guys and I'm ever-so grateful. A lot of things have been coming full-circle for me lately and I won't go into detail but so much so that some things demanded my immediate attention. For instance, how I've come to rely on this crazy-cool phenomenon called the Blogosphere.

Life per se is/was getting too big and scary for me and I was seeking refuge here. It became my safety net, my haven, my little world-away-from-world. Such a dichotomy though, in that I interact here with people all over the world from all walks of life. And it all happens in this little safe space of aboot six square feet. (No I'm not in a closet, just referring to how much space the chair, keyboard and monitor take up...) Amazing how by closing out the world I can't cope with on one hand, on the other I'm opening up and inviting in the same big old world... Mind-boggling.

Anyway, I found this new blog. I will add it to my blogroll when time permits. The author is a bigger Replacements fan than even I. The blog lead me to some other places where I happened to find out, incidentally, that there is some of my heroe's music featured in a movie called Prozac Nation. This, a movie I'd heard aboot years ago and carelessly filed in the back of my mind to watch someday. (Now, this is one of those full-circle things I'd referred to up there.) The same day I visited my friend Angie's blog (post from Jan 9). Lo and behold, she and my other hero (you can't have too many heroes!) TC were discussing Prozac Nation. So last night when I took PD to reload on his movie stash, the movie jumped out at me from the shelf and I rented it.

I just realized that I'm not nearly half-finished with what I have to say but am going to stop here and finish this post later. My little brain needs a rest and my husband would probly appreciate some attention. And dinner, I bet ;-)

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IS MY HOUR UP ALREADY?

Remember in the movie Grand Canyon when Mack and Simon met and they were talking aboot how they felt to behold the canyon? One of them commented that he felt "like a gnat that lands on the ass of a cow... chewing its cud next to the road that you ride by on at (somethingty-something) miles an hour. "

You ever feel completely small? Insignificant? Like if you fell off the edge of the world tomorrow it might be weeks before anyone thought to send out a search party? Sure you have. (Don't make me feel all alone in my wallowing.)

As I sit here mindlessly finishing off the bottom layer of a Whitman's Sampler, I'm thinking how I might enjoy a Do Over. Man, would I. Damn, that chocolate truffle was tasty. Why can't there be a secret third layer of just those babies? I think I might set a precedent for utilizing every possible opportunity for doing over. (That was supposed to give the impression that I would use it to the full extent.)

I had always intended to do something with my life that would leave some kind of mark behind when I left. I'm not seeing that I've come even close to accomplishing that. I'm not seeing that I've even changed the world in any way. I have spent so much time trying just to keep up with this life I've created, there hasn't been time left over for any extra stuff. I might think aboot rephrasing that, I don't feel as if I've created my life. I feel more like I inherited it or that it was assigned to me or something. It's sure not anywhere near what I would have chosen for myself.
Please, don't get me wrong, there are a ton of good things aboot my life, things that I wouldn't change if I had the chance. It's just that things have just fallen a bit short of my expectations. I take full blame/credit. I've been less than ardent in my endeavors to build the life I'd dreamed of.

This is what it feels like. Imagine a writer creating a character for a story. The writer gives this character the characteristics and personality that he wishes, to suit the story the writer choses to tell. The character is fictional so cannot possibly be as well-developed and multi-faceted as an actual person. He can only have the characteristics the writer bestows upon him. This is where I come in. I feel like an actress playing the role of me. I can only be the person that the writer has created, as full or well-developed as that might be. But as far as rounding me out, to a full-fledged real, live personna, I've lost my ability to improvise. I know there are tons of parts of me that could be drawn out and developed but I don't have the energy anymore or the tools to do it. And yet I'm unsatisfied with how I've ended up. Maybe not just too tired to explore, maybe too lazy. Wait no, not lazy- not motivated. Sure, I want to be everything I can be, but who else would care??? So why bother, I guess, is what I'm saying. I dunno. Lately my mind has been going in some weird, unchartered places. I hardly know what I think aboot anything anymore. Could explain why I've been so tired. Been on the road alot in my head.

I always wanted to be one of those people who seemed perfectly satisfied just to be. Just to be. That was never nearly enough for me. And it never will be. There are times when I want to jump out of my skin just to get somewhere else, to experience something new. But lately, ah.
Those feelings are all there, randomly bouncing around inside me. But I just can't get the energy or the motivation to go with them. Sounds like a volatile situation to me. I thought it (this state of discontentment, for lack of a better word) would pass. Feels like it might be here to stay. What concerns me the most aboot all this? Usually I can laugh this stuff off.

It's not funny anymore.

God help me and anyone who has to deal with me...

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DON'T TELL ME I DIDN'T WORK FOR IT

You know, I've never been terribly fond of this song. In fact, I never really even listened to the lyrics until today. And you know what? I realized that years ago I would not have admitted to the character traits described in the song. But turning 50 changes a lot of things... My first impression was "Hey! This song is aboot me!" but then I was instantly disappointed when I realized it's about Everywoman. Yeah, well. So at least I'm in touch with the me I know.

Follow the bouncing ball. (If you don't understand, you're too young to be reading here.)

B*tch - Meredith Brooks
I hate the world today
You're so into me, I know, but I can't change
Tried to tell you, but you look at me like maybe,
I'm an angel underneath, innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
You must have been relived to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything, all rolled into one
I'm a b*tch, I'm a lover,
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint,
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream,
I'm nothin' in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way
So take me as I am, this may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assure that when I start to make you nervous
and I'm goin' to extremes, tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing
Chorus
Just when you think you got me figured out
The seasons already changin'
I think it's cool, you do what you do
and don't try to save me
Chorus
I'm a b*tch, I'm a tease,
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer,
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived, can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I'm alot of other things too. I'm sure you'll be happy to remind me what any of those things might be. PD can fill in all the remaining blanks. And in my defense, there are things that I am also not. Uppermost at the moment being - proud of this lamest of all lame posts. You did read that the way I intended, right? As in, not proud.

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BRAIN DEAD

Nothing whatsoever to say. Except maybe this- It's only Wednesday and I'm afraid I only have enough energy for this week to make it to Thursday, say aboot noonish...

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KILLING TIME
(AND REPUTATIONS THE WORLD OVER)

Here's how this works: You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine. And NO, it is not PER incident (otherwise, some of us would have totals more than the national debt!).
Bring up that calculator, and get to work! And please, be Honest.

Smoked pot -- $10
Did acid -- $5
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40
Had sex with someone on the Internet -- $25
Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Beat up someone -- $20
Crossed dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know -- $10
Hit on some one of the same sex -- $15
Ever drive drunk -- $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
Cheated on your significant other -- $10
Masturbated -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- $20
Done oral -- $5
Got oral -- $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving -- $25
Stole something -- $10
Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
Made a nasty home video -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in the wild -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
Went streaking -- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
Been arrested -- $5
Spent time in jail -- $15
Peed in the pool -- $0.50
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret -- $20
Had sex with your best friend -- $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $25
Had anal sex -- $80
Lied to your mate -- $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25

So what are your damages? Either I made a calculating mistake or I'm going to Hell. My fine is $3,880. Surely, there must be something wrong with my calculator...

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PUDDLES, 'MATS AND SQUIRRELS

It's been an interesting day here so far. Poopy and I went grocery shawpin this morning. As I was preparing to back out of the driveway, I noticed PD's archenemy, Mr. Red Squirrel with the Big Balls sitting on the top step of the back porch, big as day and twice as defiant.

You gotta understand, PD has been feuding with this gawdforsaken rodent for a couple of years now. Big Red has decided that our attic is the nicest place around to spend the winter months. PD has actually sat poised with a shooter (LittleJuJu-speak for gun) trying to annihilate the auburn-colored intruder from an upstairs bedroom window. The creature has somehow gotten down in the walls of our house and can be heard gnawing or partying or whatever it is he does in the late hours of the night into the wee hours of the morning. We'd hoped that he'd chew through an electric wire by now and fry his own sorry self. We've got those sonic things plugged into half the outlets in our house that supposedly scare away rodents without big testicles.

There he sat on the step, defying us to do something. Helpless, PD demanded that I blow the car horn at him (really? ... like that will cause the squirrel to shit himself to death or worse, put him into a critter cardiac arrest and we'll have a new and life-like lawn ornament to display in the Spring.) I don't know if you've ever heard that piss-poor excuse for a car horn that they install in a Toyota but as I suspected, the squirrel was staying put. In fact his expression changed from "Hah!" to "Ha ha ha!" Poopy pressed me to re-blow the "horn" and again, no reaction. Before I knew it, PD was out of the car and chasing Big Red down the sidewalk leading to the back of our property. Not an easy feat for a livid man with an ailing sense of balance. In the pouring rain. Had I known his plan, I would have suggested he grab his cane and try beating the living daylights out of the little bugger.

Of course the squirrel outran the wild man. Cussing and swearing, he got back in the car and we got on with our shawpin trip. The best part was in Aisle 7 of the grocery store when I was walking back to PD and the cart tossing a can of cranberry sauce up and down in one hand when I heard the Replacements singing Can't Hardly Wait on the PA. You have no idea how cool that is considering that you just NEVER hear their music ANYwhere. Poopy's head spun in my direction, obviously anxious to see my reaction. My feet left the floor I swear and I never loved my grocey store as much. That was just too cool. CHW is my absolute favorite 'Mat's song.

And I was in an excellent mood then, even when I stepped in a rilly rilly big deep puddle wearing clogs, socks and jeans that were already long, but not as long as that one, soaked leg was when I got home. Yeccchhh. I'm changing into dry clothes while PD is mounding peanut butter on some scary-looking trap thing for bait. I'm assuming that if he ever does nab Big Red, it will be relatively humane and painless for the little fella. Judging by the crazed look in his eyes and that sinister-sounding tune he's humming, I kinda doubt it.

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STAYING IN ON A RAINY NIGHT...

... screwing around on here with iTunes, Pandora and seeing what other kinds of trouble I can get into. First of all, check out this video. Woot.

Sorry there wasn't a Share This Video button to click on. I hope it works for you. Although I've made leaps and bounds in the whole blogging thing, I still have a lot to learn. Thanks for sticking by me through it all. Don't you just want to whack me upside the head sometimes??? That was rhetorical, no need to respond. As for the video, what a rush that would be! Near the end when Meredith makes a comment, I thought she said "a frickin' lion." In reality that is not what she said. lol

So I made my first venture into the iTunes site. Yeah, I know, Poopy didn't believe me either. I need to put some new music on my iPod since Apple returned my iPod to me empty. The music that I had saved in Media Player now has to be put into iTunes so I can get it on my Pod. Why am I telling you this? You all know this already.

In case you've been anxiously awaiting JuJu's news, she's posted aboot it. I'm sure you'll see why I'm so excited and happy for her and the Mr.

Okay, I'm going to go play now. You all have a good weekend. Join me in missing Simon.

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FEELING DOWN + SCISSORS = ???

Ok, maybe that wasn't such a good idea.

I've been feeling like I'm not looking my best lately. I guess that's a kind way of saying "like heck." Every woman in the universe knows what I mean. The tan is gone, the tummy could use some toning, hair is blah, skin getting dry, just general crap. The kinds of things that make passing a mirror an Olympic event. Quick dash. You just want to put a bag over your head, grab your sweats and hide from the world. Having to go to work everyday where there are actual people makes it that much worse. I haven't felt like this in a long time. The only thing I really have any instant control over is the hair. So I grabbed the scissors after dinner and proceeded to do what is surely going to piss off my hair stylist. Oh well. She'll probly get over it before I do.

It's not that my hair looks that bad. I've cut my own hair most of my life and up until a couple of years ago, no professional had ever touched my hair. So I did know what I was doing. I just cut it a little shorter than anyone with a brain in January in the Northeast would.

Oh well, it's done now. I guess I'll have to make friends with a hat for a bit. Me and Cecily can occupy our minds with something way bigger and much more important. (No, Cecily is not real and I don't even know anyone by that name.) Let's see, what can we think aboot?

I think this was my first "Girly Post"...

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WISH I WERE SOMEWHERE WARM

So I click on Create Post and Blogger makes me sign in all over again. WTF. I'm on TC's site and I click on Feanor and absolutely nothing happens. So much for an easy night in BlogWorld.

It's ok because I was only going to whine and feel sorry for myself anyway. Ever get one of those days? Your face is breaking out, your hair can't make up it's mind what it wants to do so you got a few things going on on the outside of your head. Forget what's going on on the inside. Ineedavacationineedavacationineedavacationineedavacation.

I just ate six pieces of Pizza Hut pizza with onions, mushrooms, black olives and green peppers. Yeah, six, you read that right. Now I'm here with my trusty can of cashews and 1 layer of Whitman's Sampler Chocolates. That's because the candy jar I keep on the computer desk is empty except for one caramel.

Shawn Colvin, a fine singer and songwriter is having a birthday today. Her 51st. I'm right behind you, Baby. Have a good one. (LOL, like Shawn reads here.)

I heard my new favorite song today. I'm really not this fickle, it's just been happening more often lately. This one's really awesome. It's called Fate's Right Hand by Rodney Crowell. You have to listen to the whole song and it has to be cranked to appreciate the whole song. I'm sorry, I couldn't find a link to the whole song, this is just 29 minutes and it's before it even gets good. But if you can hear the whole song, it's rilly rilly cool.

If you haven't read JuJuBee today, go there. And if Men's potty habits interest you, go here. Sorry Mark, I just can't get over your post today. It's funny. The post is titled "May I Ask a Personal Question?" If you go there on Thursday, he'll have a new post up. He's cheap. I mean, easy. Wait, no, I meant Fast.

There was some other stuff I wanted to whine aboot, I mean, tell you. But heck if I can remember what. Guess I'll go turn the tube and see what George has to say this time...

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IF I FROWN ANY HARDER MY FACE WILL CRACK

After a busy day and an even busier night, I come on here to relax and post aboot something, hopefully entertaining. I usually go down my blogroll and catch up on everybody's news and sometimes even get inspired to write here. Tonight however, what is usually a fun and relaxing part of my day ended up entirely something else. Man, Blogger was having issues, Typepad didn't want me to leave comments and I couldn't open my mail in two different places. What's going on? (Good song, by the way. Was it Concrete Blonde or 4 Non-Blondes? I get them mixed up.) Oh wait. It was Marvin Gaye. What was I thinking? Anyway, I'm getting out of here before my face falls off.

I will get to all my projects I've promised. Guess I better not bitch out the Internet. I'm not working like I should either. :-Þ

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GIRLS NIGHT OUT

Spur of the moment decision. Why else would anyone go out on a Monday night???

And so I have to get to bed. Was a really fun night. Blue Moon :-) Laughed too hard. Danced, but not hard enough. Does on a chair count?

Goodnight.

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MUSIC IS MY LIFE

I think I'm in love again. New music I'm getting into- Regina Spektor, Begin To Hope in particular. And a song called Fidelity (the video here) especially. While you're there, if you liked Fidelity, watch Samson. It makes me cry. [I always had this weird affinity for Delilah, I think I was her in another life. But that's a story for another day.] Please watch/listen and then try and convince me she's not All That. The video is pretty cool, though the ending is kind of um, messy. I never even heard of her before last Thursday. Now I plan to plug a good-sized chunk of her into my new iPod. Which reminds me, when PD contacted those people and tole them how whacko my pod was acting, they said to return it and they would send a new one. Liars sent my old one back to me. Haven't had time to play with it but it better be functional. The least they could have done was left all my Bought-and-Paid-for iTunes on the damn thing.

Got some bad news today about my favorite musician, PW. Feel really bad aboot it. If you're interested, go here. The Dec. 20th post.

Now for my long-awaited list of favorite cds for the last year. Keep in mind, they are not all current or released in 2006. I'm not fast in all respects. ;-) They are in no particular order.

Y'all are gonna wanna smack me in the ass but due to an unexpected chain of events, I'll not be finishing this post today as planned. Music is my life??? Not today, my friends. Today my life is answering phones, making phone calls, consoling, cajoling, caroling (oh wait, not that) and making multiple attempts at finishing this lame post. Oh and laundry and checkbook balancing and crap like that.

The unexpected chain: My daughter spent the better part of the wee morning hours at the ER with her lone self and a kidney stone. Honest to Pete, we had just talked aboot that very thing on the phone yesterday. Until the birth of her third baby, she had always believed that the pain associated with passing a kidney stone was more painful than giving birth. Babe #3 changed her mind. She had experience with a stone years ago and was surprised that her first delivery (and then the second) paled in comparison to the pain passing a stone. Anyway, she feels ok right now and the stone is only 1 millimeter but I'm pretty sure she'll feel it in the next day or two.

Also my nephew is having surgery tomorrow morning for a collapsed lung. He's had to postpone an important job interview already and will likely, again. He's a college student and due back in classes before his recovery time will be up. He's Hazel's son, incidentally. Her SO has the flu.

Can it get worse? I'm sure but I'm hoping not to find out. It's hard trying to keep all these people laughing. Music is my life. Yeah. And Laughter is the Best Medicine.

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LA LA LAND

Had an utterly disconcerting experience this morning. I woke up around 9:30 which was way longer than I wanted to sleep. When I woke I was unusually disoriented and it was several minutes before I could discern what day it was. Granted, I am sleeping in the spare bedroom, a result of lack-of-time/motivation to replace sheets on all the beds since the kids were here for the Holiday. So that (not being in my usual bed) may have had a little to do with it but even after I got up and for an hour or so afterward, it was as if my brain refused to get in the necessary gear to begin my day. The longer it went on the more concerned I was getting. PD sarcastically remarked when I expressed concern aboot my dilemma, that the cause was not having been on the computer. Which made not a lick of sense to me, but I threw together a breakfast of sorts and came here and commenced to clicking on my daily blogroll and within a minute or two I was fine... It was weird. My thinking was just kind of not there. My usual routine on the weekend is to make coffee and sit down and plan out my day. I usually have one or ten "to do" lists floating around from the previous week, with or without individual tasks and activities crossed off. I play catch-up on the weekend. Being that this past week was pretty full, there were a lot of things I need to accomplish today and tomorrow. I couldn't even find a list, so I had to start over. Nothing would come to me. Please don't ever find yourself in a place like that, it's unnerving and a little scary. Kind of like a panic attack but without the physical symptoms. Just brain dead. Or nearly. I'm glad that it seems to have passed. Be glad for me too. One thing I cannot and refuse to give up is [what is left of] my capacity to reason and remember.

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QUE SERA SERA

Blogger is running slow and being pissy tonight so I'm not even going to attempt to post. Not up for the aggravation. I'll be back tomorrow (Friday!!!) night and have something interesting to say. Unless nothing happens between now and then and in that case I'll make something up. Or post some music. Whatever. Have a good night/day. Leave me a good joke or a recipe or a pet peeve or a question or a compliment or even an insult- so I'll have something to read.

But Goodnight for now.

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(I removed an image here of a wolf sillouetted by a full moon. It was creating like a dozen search strings a day to my site. That seemed freaky to me...)

Hey, I'm finding no time for blogging. It's a case of double avoidance (tactics #22 AND #133) I seem to be avoiding blogging lest you find out that I'm avoiding the studio... So tonight I watched my Collective Soul~ Home dvd and danced. The dancing is tactic #57- to avoid actual exercising. The dvd is 4 stars IMHO.

Going to take my walk (full Moon!) and get my ass in bed. I overslept this morning (had ten minutes to get ready for work- ack!!!) so I want to get a bit more zzz's tonight.

Oh btw- you all did realize that my first list of singles were (was?) all links so you could listen to the songs, right? Sorry, didn't have time to do the second list. Besides, I doubt if a lot of that music is even on Amazon and didn't feel like hunting down other links.

It's probly not good to start out a new year being all slackery.

PS A few new pics in the top Flickr box

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WHERE'S WALDO???



That's what these pictures remind me of. That's what standing in the middle of this mess reminds me of too, actually. I haven't really used this room since I went on the night shift last March and it's just sort of become a junk-magnet. When I come across something that's in my way or doesn't have a real "home," it ends up in this room. My beloved studio. Where I keep all my "stuff" that makes me feel creative and comfortable and unique. My very own little corner of the world where no one else trespasses, unless of course they are going to the attic. That explains why there is always at least a path through the room...

I spent the majority of New Year's Day organizing and cleaning this room and with any luck I will find time before February to finish it. And if you can all persuade me to get my ass off this computer, maybe I can get some actual artwork started and feel like a real human being for a change.

Right now I am going to go for a little walk around the house and check out that big bright Moon and then turn in. I'm whooped. One day this week I'd planned to post a list of my favorite cds of the year but probably won't post it since nobody knows anybody I listen to...

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PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE WHINER...

...at the keyboard last night. Feeling sorry for oneself and alcohol do not an attractive coupling make. Wah, wha, wha. :-Þ Nor do the after-effects of said combination.

Did, however, find the other list of my favorite singles of the past year. And it plays something like this:

Sundown ~ Elwood
Spaceship ~ Angie Aparo
Ten O'Clock Your Time ~ The Waxwings
Hot One~ Shudder to Think
Joy ~ Gay Dad
Free to Go ~ Folk Implosion
Barrel of a Gun ~ Guster
Falling Star ~ Showoff
Legends ~ Indigo Spirit
For the Movies ~ Buck Cherry
Afrika Shox ~ Leftfield
Scars ~ Witness UK
Consolidation ~ Impermanence/Gravity Remix
Reality Check ~ OPM
The Crystal Lake ~ Granddaddy
Touch And Go ~ Vibrolush
Hyperspace ~ Nada Surf
To Be Young (Is to be Sad) ~ Ryan Adams
Rollin' Tumblin' ~ R. L. Burnside
Bongo Bong ~ Manu Chao
Give You All the Love ~ Mishka
Hum ~ Splashdown
Beatbox Rocker ~ Westbam
Peace Tonight ~ Indigo Girls
Color of the Sun ~ Willard Grant Conspiracy
Mr. E's Beautiful Blues ~ Eeels
Mary's Son ~ Unamerican
Flake ~ Jack Johnson
Broken ~ Everlast
Calamity Jane ~ Grant Lee Phillips
Let There Be Love ~ Icehouse
Ruby ~ Jambone

I know I'm missing some, but if I don't soon get this posted, I won't.

Worked most of today trying to get my studio back in an operational state. I took "before" pictures and when I'm done, I'll post them with an "after" picture. It should be amusing.

My horoscope told me to take care of that... And while I'm on the subject, I'm excited to find that later this week, an ex-lover (a Cancer no less) is going to contact me and ask me for a favor. Hmmn.

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NOT EVEN A KISS ...

As if it isn't embarrassing enough to be sitting home in front of a keyboard on New Year's Eve... I will probably be the only one in the Blogosphere with a post up this morning. Now if there was a rilly, rilly cool prize for the first post of 2007, I'd be laughing at alla' you. But if there is, I don't know anything aboot it. So I guess that just makes me lame.

But no, I'm pitiful. Ju called at midnight, God bless her, and I hated to tell her PD was in bed and I was in front of the computer. But hey, that's how it was. (is.) Actually, we had been invited to a party very close to home, which I was thrilled aboot. Mostly because I could enjoy a few drinks and not have to worry aboot driving home, I could drink and walk without too much trouble. But PD had felt like crap all day, took a nap and woke up feeling even worse. I spent the day with my mom and came home around 7 pm expecting a fun night out with friends.

Instead, I ripped some music and looked at Flickr pics and read aboot a hundred blogs. Then I even Googled One Wink at a Time. And check out something I found- a blog I'd commented on back in January of last year. It's funny. Click here to read the post; my comment is way down near the bottom. What it's aboot is some guy who objects to, of all things, winking.

I guess now I'll go take my make-up off, brush all the goo outta my hair, take off these tight jeans and party-going sweater and put me on some sweatpants and welcome in the New Year with another drink and maybe some funky music, white boy.

I hope you all had a rip-roaring, havoc-wreaking good time last night and no hangover today.
And I wish you a Happy and Healthy 2007 and may all your dreams come true.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
My Horoscope: January 1, 2007
You are likely to have always been artistic in one way or another, Linda, but today you might realize that your creativity is more extensive and insightful than you previously thought. Perhaps the work of a great poet, musician, painter, or dramatist might awaken new ideas and inspiration. Make some notes; keep a record of the works you saw or heard so that you can go back to them again later. Also write down any dreams you may have.
Combined with the fact that this is New Year's Day, the current planetary aspect may find you feeling in a more thoughtful frame of mind. You are certainly not in the mood to make any promises without a lot of careful consideration. Thoughts about the future of a particular relationship may also be uppermost in your mind. Whilst you realize just how much you have to offer each other, wait before making an irrevocable decision.

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