THE SEARCH CONTINUES...
I'm beginning to wonder if all the hot air I typed yesterday aboot all the problems with the world was a (subconscious) ploy to get my own attention off myself. I knew all those problems are there. I just hadn't really given it a solid block of attention in awhile. Ah, avoidance. I'm detecting a definite pattern here. I guess I need to look at some things closer to home, things that directly affect me.
As for a correlation between yesterday's post and my own imminent dilemma, I don't even take much medication. In fact, I should probably be on some kind of anti-inflammatory again/still for the costochondritis. (Yeah, it's still here. Amazing what you can learn to live with, huh?) But I don't like to take things. I seldom get headaches, except migraines which were coming monthly (you know, female migraines) but those haven't been an issue for quite awhile, thankfully. I had pills for those that I only took when I absolutely had to. I take a small dose of Lexapro daily. It is an anti-depressant but I was prescribed them to help manage hot flashes. Which they do, to a degree. I found out a week or so ago when I missed a day and then the following day, forgot to take one until noon. I'm still regretting that little slip-up. So you see, I'm not a member of the over-medicated sector of our society. And I'm too poor to buy everything in sight. I'm comfortable, I have everything I need but don't consider myself overly materialistic.
So wherein does my immediate problem lie? I'm grossly unsatisfied with life. Not life per se, I guess I should clarify, my life. And as if that isn't a big enough pill to swallow, (intended pun) I seem to be totally without the ambition or motivation to do a damn thing aboot it. Or the energy, now that I think aboot it. Should probably provide a little background for newer readers...
My life with PD changed drastically when he got sick. There are so many of the activities that we used to enjoy that he's just not able to tolerate any longer. He's very restricted physically which has been the hardest adjustment for him. He was very, very active right up until the Menieres. I would have called him a Do-aholic. I am not going to cite particular changes, there are too many.
You would totally think that I would be accustomed by now to living a different kind of life. In some ways I am, others not so. He developed the Menieres shortly after we were married in 2000. That was over 6 years ago.
My responsibilities increased a great deal when PD became ill. He's not able to drive. Not safely, anyway. Once in awhile he will assert his own big bad stubborn self and drive himself a few miles just to prove a point. I sweat and worry until he returns, but no one, and I mean, no one tells PD what he can or cannot do. That I am accustomed to. But I do, very much miss our old life together.
I'm just thinking aloud and starting to ramble. I really should try to organize my thoughts before sitting down here to post. I was going to talk aboot how much I've come to depend on this Internet for entertainment and companionship. I'll save that for another day. I'm tired now and think I'll go to bed.
Stay tooned for the next episode of The Search... when Linda finds out that she's the long-lost illegitimate daughter of a kleptomaniacal circus performer with dual citizenship and an undeveloped gift for premonition and an over-developed sexual appetite including an overt fetish for leopard-skin hats and red patent leather stillettos (the shoes, not the knives). And that's the father...
No, I'm not losing it. I'm trying to maintain a sense of humor. Just grin and bear it.
*********************************************
I'm beginning to wonder if all the hot air I typed yesterday aboot all the problems with the world was a (subconscious) ploy to get my own attention off myself. I knew all those problems are there. I just hadn't really given it a solid block of attention in awhile. Ah, avoidance. I'm detecting a definite pattern here. I guess I need to look at some things closer to home, things that directly affect me.
As for a correlation between yesterday's post and my own imminent dilemma, I don't even take much medication. In fact, I should probably be on some kind of anti-inflammatory again/still for the costochondritis. (Yeah, it's still here. Amazing what you can learn to live with, huh?) But I don't like to take things. I seldom get headaches, except migraines which were coming monthly (you know, female migraines) but those haven't been an issue for quite awhile, thankfully. I had pills for those that I only took when I absolutely had to. I take a small dose of Lexapro daily. It is an anti-depressant but I was prescribed them to help manage hot flashes. Which they do, to a degree. I found out a week or so ago when I missed a day and then the following day, forgot to take one until noon. I'm still regretting that little slip-up. So you see, I'm not a member of the over-medicated sector of our society. And I'm too poor to buy everything in sight. I'm comfortable, I have everything I need but don't consider myself overly materialistic.
So wherein does my immediate problem lie? I'm grossly unsatisfied with life. Not life per se, I guess I should clarify, my life. And as if that isn't a big enough pill to swallow, (intended pun) I seem to be totally without the ambition or motivation to do a damn thing aboot it. Or the energy, now that I think aboot it. Should probably provide a little background for newer readers...
My life with PD changed drastically when he got sick. There are so many of the activities that we used to enjoy that he's just not able to tolerate any longer. He's very restricted physically which has been the hardest adjustment for him. He was very, very active right up until the Menieres. I would have called him a Do-aholic. I am not going to cite particular changes, there are too many.
You would totally think that I would be accustomed by now to living a different kind of life. In some ways I am, others not so. He developed the Menieres shortly after we were married in 2000. That was over 6 years ago.
My responsibilities increased a great deal when PD became ill. He's not able to drive. Not safely, anyway. Once in awhile he will assert his own big bad stubborn self and drive himself a few miles just to prove a point. I sweat and worry until he returns, but no one, and I mean, no one tells PD what he can or cannot do. That I am accustomed to. But I do, very much miss our old life together.
I'm just thinking aloud and starting to ramble. I really should try to organize my thoughts before sitting down here to post. I was going to talk aboot how much I've come to depend on this Internet for entertainment and companionship. I'll save that for another day. I'm tired now and think I'll go to bed.
Stay tooned for the next episode of The Search... when Linda finds out that she's the long-lost illegitimate daughter of a kleptomaniacal circus performer with dual citizenship and an undeveloped gift for premonition and an over-developed sexual appetite including an overt fetish for leopard-skin hats and red patent leather stillettos (the shoes, not the knives). And that's the father...
No, I'm not losing it. I'm trying to maintain a sense of humor. Just grin and bear it.
*********************************************
posted by One Wink at a Time at 6:36 PM
7 Comments:
I guess I haven't been reading long enough to know that PD is ill, or didn't know you well enough at the time for it to stick. Either way, sorry to hear that. You're holding up better than many could have, I'm sure. And, I would guess, so is he?
oops. turns out my first comment on your blog was on that post. I thought it sounded familiar as I read the entry.
I cannot begin to understand what you are going through. I can tell you I will pray for you, throw out some humorous saying or what have you but in the end, thats all I can do. And that makes me feel useless sometimes. It happens a lot actually. I will see something horrible in the news and feel sad and will take a mental burden and place it on myself because I want to help but for the most part I am helpless to do so. Now that you know where I am coming from:
As I mentioned in the previous posts comments there are days when I think I should be medicated a little more. Not so much for myself but for those around me.
I guess now would be a bad time to mention that I like leopard skin hats?
I'll be back to address comments later today, running late and there's a ton of snow on my car... :-(
Hey, yeah.. what Simon says!
haha haha haha Simon says he he he he he!
Mark: I'm O.K., You're O.K. ;-)
PD is, well, this time of the year is rough on him. But he's maintaining and Big Red is keeping his mind occupied...
Jeff: Don't ever feel useless. Lord, you have no idea how much it means to me that you're on my "team." I think what you're talking about is a kind of curse for caring people. I can't even watch the news or I'm upset all day. I wish you didn't have to be medicated at all but it's often necessary. Keeping a sense of humor is crucial, don't you think?
I'm picturing you in a leopard hat... ;-) Oooh, Baby!
Simon: I can't believe that you pay such good attention to me. I like that aboot you...
You really oughta consider giving up the red meat, it's poisoning you. I eat very little, maybe 10 times a year. Just can't give up the burgers completely...
You did notice that I said I was dissatisfied with "my" life, not life in general? I think there is a huge difference there. It's going to take me a bit to work through this but I'm confident I can.
Oh, and while I'm doing that (here) and by that I mean sorting through things, PLEASE! If I get monotonous or boring or tedious, whatever, DO NOT feel as if you have to wallow with me. I will not hold it against you if you (all) decide to vacate for a bit. But only a bit.
Word Verification: G S P U N S K
Go for it!
A friend of mine once asked me if I had given up meat because I love animals. "No," I replied. "I just really hate plants."
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