PUDDLES, 'MATS AND SQUIRRELS

It's been an interesting day here so far. Poopy and I went grocery shawpin this morning. As I was preparing to back out of the driveway, I noticed PD's archenemy, Mr. Red Squirrel with the Big Balls sitting on the top step of the back porch, big as day and twice as defiant.

You gotta understand, PD has been feuding with this gawdforsaken rodent for a couple of years now. Big Red has decided that our attic is the nicest place around to spend the winter months. PD has actually sat poised with a shooter (LittleJuJu-speak for gun) trying to annihilate the auburn-colored intruder from an upstairs bedroom window. The creature has somehow gotten down in the walls of our house and can be heard gnawing or partying or whatever it is he does in the late hours of the night into the wee hours of the morning. We'd hoped that he'd chew through an electric wire by now and fry his own sorry self. We've got those sonic things plugged into half the outlets in our house that supposedly scare away rodents without big testicles.

There he sat on the step, defying us to do something. Helpless, PD demanded that I blow the car horn at him (really? ... like that will cause the squirrel to shit himself to death or worse, put him into a critter cardiac arrest and we'll have a new and life-like lawn ornament to display in the Spring.) I don't know if you've ever heard that piss-poor excuse for a car horn that they install in a Toyota but as I suspected, the squirrel was staying put. In fact his expression changed from "Hah!" to "Ha ha ha!" Poopy pressed me to re-blow the "horn" and again, no reaction. Before I knew it, PD was out of the car and chasing Big Red down the sidewalk leading to the back of our property. Not an easy feat for a livid man with an ailing sense of balance. In the pouring rain. Had I known his plan, I would have suggested he grab his cane and try beating the living daylights out of the little bugger.

Of course the squirrel outran the wild man. Cussing and swearing, he got back in the car and we got on with our shawpin trip. The best part was in Aisle 7 of the grocery store when I was walking back to PD and the cart tossing a can of cranberry sauce up and down in one hand when I heard the Replacements singing Can't Hardly Wait on the PA. You have no idea how cool that is considering that you just NEVER hear their music ANYwhere. Poopy's head spun in my direction, obviously anxious to see my reaction. My feet left the floor I swear and I never loved my grocey store as much. That was just too cool. CHW is my absolute favorite 'Mat's song.

And I was in an excellent mood then, even when I stepped in a rilly rilly big deep puddle wearing clogs, socks and jeans that were already long, but not as long as that one, soaked leg was when I got home. Yeccchhh. I'm changing into dry clothes while PD is mounding peanut butter on some scary-looking trap thing for bait. I'm assuming that if he ever does nab Big Red, it will be relatively humane and painless for the little fella. Judging by the crazed look in his eyes and that sinister-sounding tune he's humming, I kinda doubt it.

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