ON AND ON AND ON...
Well, I've read aboot 20 blogs now and can no longer put off writing. I spent a lot of time today thinking aboot my coping mechanisms. Of course there's the ever-present Avoidance that I've developed into an art. We're all-too-familiar with that... but I'm beginning to wonder if I've missed my true calling. I think perhaps I should have been an actress.
I spend an awful lot of time and effort putting on a happy face. For some reason, yet to be determined by moi, it is crucial to me that no one knows when I'm truly sad or miserable or upset or uncomfortable or a myriad of other negative things. Most of the time, anyway and more often in real life than here. In fact this spilling of guts of late is highly unusual behavior for me. Unless it just feels that way to me since I've been feeling more vulnerable lately. My nearest and dearest I'm sure, know when I'm emotional but with others, I find it necessary to at least make an attempt to be cheerful and all hunky-dory. (Where the hell did that expression come from anyway?) I can't ever recall anyone at work or anywhere saying to me "Are you ok?" or "Are you having a bad day?" I don't know why I'm like this. It's gonna bug me till I figure it out. I shouldn't say "always" and "never" I guess. There are always exceptions. For the most part, I seem to save my whining and complaining for you poor people here.
Maybe I see letting one's true emotions show is some kind of weakness or a character flaw. Or maybe I've come to realize that most people don't really give a damn or want an honest answer when they say "How are you?" Maybe it's just easier to pretend everything is fine. Maybe I enjoy the challenge. Maybe it makes me feel superior. I dunno. I probably really do need a therapist after all... Maybe I'm just honing my acting skills, preparing for my next life. I need to figure this out.
I had more to add to yesterday's post aboot being unsatisfied with my life. Part of the problem is that I find my self internalizing a lot of the frustration and anger. There is some sadness too. I certainly can't and won't discuss it to any degree with PD. He feels responsible for many of our problems already. There isn't a damn thing he can do aboot his illness that hasn't already been tried. I would never want to make him feel worse. Which brings me to another thing... All these feelings that I'm sharing with you; the anger, frustration, etc... I feel guilty for feeling them. I am healthy (relatively) and PD is not. I should be grateful and satisfied. We have a roof over our heads, wonderful families, food to eat, etc. etc. So when I get all mopey and antsy like this, I feel guilty. In a way I feel justified, but when I listen to myself, it all seems so selfish and shallow of me.
A big part of my gripe, for lack of a better word is this- in my first marriage, due to health problems with my first husband also, I was the "responsible one." Quite a few years into our marriage, he was diagnosed as bi-polar. I managed the household, paid the bills, disciplined the kids, all that kind of thing. It wore me out. Physically and emotionally. That lasted 15 years. When I met PD and we fell in love and started planning for the future, I was elated. This time, I thought, we could share responsibilities. Decision-making, establishing a home, things like that we could share. I didn't want to be the one "in charge."
I think you see where I am going with this. More later. It's my bedtime.
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Well, I've read aboot 20 blogs now and can no longer put off writing. I spent a lot of time today thinking aboot my coping mechanisms. Of course there's the ever-present Avoidance that I've developed into an art. We're all-too-familiar with that... but I'm beginning to wonder if I've missed my true calling. I think perhaps I should have been an actress.
I spend an awful lot of time and effort putting on a happy face. For some reason, yet to be determined by moi, it is crucial to me that no one knows when I'm truly sad or miserable or upset or uncomfortable or a myriad of other negative things. Most of the time, anyway and more often in real life than here. In fact this spilling of guts of late is highly unusual behavior for me. Unless it just feels that way to me since I've been feeling more vulnerable lately. My nearest and dearest I'm sure, know when I'm emotional but with others, I find it necessary to at least make an attempt to be cheerful and all hunky-dory. (Where the hell did that expression come from anyway?) I can't ever recall anyone at work or anywhere saying to me "Are you ok?" or "Are you having a bad day?" I don't know why I'm like this. It's gonna bug me till I figure it out. I shouldn't say "always" and "never" I guess. There are always exceptions. For the most part, I seem to save my whining and complaining for you poor people here.
Maybe I see letting one's true emotions show is some kind of weakness or a character flaw. Or maybe I've come to realize that most people don't really give a damn or want an honest answer when they say "How are you?" Maybe it's just easier to pretend everything is fine. Maybe I enjoy the challenge. Maybe it makes me feel superior. I dunno. I probably really do need a therapist after all... Maybe I'm just honing my acting skills, preparing for my next life. I need to figure this out.
I had more to add to yesterday's post aboot being unsatisfied with my life. Part of the problem is that I find my self internalizing a lot of the frustration and anger. There is some sadness too. I certainly can't and won't discuss it to any degree with PD. He feels responsible for many of our problems already. There isn't a damn thing he can do aboot his illness that hasn't already been tried. I would never want to make him feel worse. Which brings me to another thing... All these feelings that I'm sharing with you; the anger, frustration, etc... I feel guilty for feeling them. I am healthy (relatively) and PD is not. I should be grateful and satisfied. We have a roof over our heads, wonderful families, food to eat, etc. etc. So when I get all mopey and antsy like this, I feel guilty. In a way I feel justified, but when I listen to myself, it all seems so selfish and shallow of me.
A big part of my gripe, for lack of a better word is this- in my first marriage, due to health problems with my first husband also, I was the "responsible one." Quite a few years into our marriage, he was diagnosed as bi-polar. I managed the household, paid the bills, disciplined the kids, all that kind of thing. It wore me out. Physically and emotionally. That lasted 15 years. When I met PD and we fell in love and started planning for the future, I was elated. This time, I thought, we could share responsibilities. Decision-making, establishing a home, things like that we could share. I didn't want to be the one "in charge."
I think you see where I am going with this. More later. It's my bedtime.
************************************
posted by One Wink at a Time at 8:28 PM
10 Comments:
hunky-dory:
1866, Amer.Eng. (popularized c.1870 by a Christy Minstrel song), perhaps a reduplication of hunkey "all right, satisfactory" (1861), from hunk "in a safe position" (1847) New York City slang, from Du. honk "goal, home," from M.Du. honc "place of refuge, hiding place." A theory from 1876, however, traces it to Honcho dori, said to be a street in Yokohama, Japan, where sailors went for diversions of the sort sailors enjoy.
Now with that out of the way, first a big hug then a few words! Like Simon, I don't really think it's whining. I think a lot of people use their blogs the same way. It is a great therapeutic device. You can write out your thoughts and feelings, in a relatively anonymous way, if you wish. Or you can out yourself, either way it is a great outlet. That is what I have used mine for ever since I started, well that and bashing the occasional goober!
I noticed that my word verification at the bottom there looks slightly obscene, cool!
Wonderful insight, Linda, when wondering why you hide the fact that you feel anything but happy. I've wondered this same thing about myself. Moonshot often gets onto me for being too even keeped, says I must be bottling things up and that that's not healthy. Generally, I think I'm just that calm. However, I have caught myself putting on the happy face and I think my reasoning is sadly a mix of several of the options you listed.
I also wanted to second what Simon had to say. Feel free to vent here. Consider it good practice in dropping the mask. You need to get used to the fact that people who care about you are not going to look down on you for feeling this way or for sharing that you feel this way.
In my warped mind I don't share outwardly to those around me. I too feel it is a weakness. I'm not sure about you being selfish it is so important to ensure your happiness before worrying about others most of us miss that crucial step. I have a hard time closing the flood gates when they open. I am reminded of a resent birthday party, mine, while driving there and waiting for everyone to show up I started to become quite angst. I couldn't control it, my body was flooded with terror and fear. It got worse because I was trying to repress it. Finally, I plained out, no one ever knew. Because I kept the TC humor flying while my hidden fist were clinched. I haven't told anyone about that night, that is why the TC of blogger is different, now I can share without fear. It always passes and when I look back it make no sense. I think maybe thats because it happens at times without reason.
Simon: Consider yourself and your kind words, responsible, in large part, for my present state of upliftedness. I like what's behind the mask more than the masked part. So I should be ok. Thanks yet again.
Jeff: I think I like the "sailor's diversionary" definition the best ;-) Nice of you to illuminate us. (Is that the word I mean?)
Thanks for the hug, right back at'cha.
When you get a cool W.V., you're supposed to share it with us!
Like right now, mine is BGTAGL. I like to assign words to it, like:
"Bad Girls Talk a Good Line." It's my new favorite hobby...
Fab: Where do you find time to come here, with the new job and all? I must say I feel honored and flattered at the same time. Really cool words. I'm assuming they're yours?
Mokker: We need to talk about this further, this thing we do. Maybe we have similar up-bringings. Some of it too, I think is an eldest-child syndrome thing. And a people-pleaser tool? I too, have a pretty even-keeled emotional state. But I don't think I hold too much in, I just wish I would/could let a little more of it out. I don't let a lot bother me and as I've grown older, less does bother me most of the time. I guess the fact that most of you are still reading and being oh-so supportive is all the proof I need that what I'm doing here is a positive step...
TC: I certainly appreciate your honesty. Do you know why you consider it a weakness? Please share. I agree that we need to worry about our own happiness before tackling everyone else's but I need to practice that, it's not the way I'm used to operating. But I do believe you need to love yourself before you can truly love others. And I do.
What you say here makes me wonder, those of us who do the mask thing and outwardly appear in control and on top of things- what we're hiding or covering up has to come out from time to time. Not feeling in control is very scary for some of us, myself included. When those emotions that we push down come up to the surface, we panic. Does this sound plausible to you? It's very hard for me to imagine that happening to you, but then I don't really "know" you. You "appear" to be completely in control at all times. I guess that's just a really good example of how we use our masks and to what extent. Your thoughts?
OK, so only JuJuBee could tie this discussion in with a sales pitch for make-up...
There's a brand of hair/skin care/makeup called "Philosophy". Each particular product has a philosophical message for you to consider. What I cam currently staring at in the shower each day says this:
falling in love doesn't begin with falling in love with others.it begins with falling in love with ourselves.loving ourselves is healthy and as God intended. learn to deeply and fully cherish your heart, your soul and your body and only then will you understand what it is to love another.
Sadly, there aren't instructions on how to do so, but it is a nice thing to see each day as a little reminder.
My verification word? JBURGH!!
Ju: That is a very nice sentiment. I do love myself, the self I think I know anyway...
Very cool W.V. :-)
Mine now is SXHZFAHM
Which, I think, would be what two people with severe speech impediments might say when they put the two halves of their rings together?
Masks, I have always chuckled at the psychologist metaphor of masking ones innerself. I wonder though, that if this iss how I have been for most of my life, is it really a mask? Or is this my way of dealing with people and allowing myself a comfort zone of control? Maybe what some would see as a mask is me actually taking all the chaos that surrounds us at all times and making it easier for me to handle. Thus making it easier for me to interact with everyone. Some things may come to the surface. But more often they come to pass, becoming insignificant with the passing of time. Suppression for me isn't a mask it is my face.
I think you and I already had the conversation about blogging being therapeutic, so I'll move onto other thoughts.
I doubt that any one of us who reads your blog thinks you're whinning. I'd be willing to bet that we've all done our fair share of such external soul-searching at our own blogs. It's in our nature.
Like simon (and Wm. Shakespear) said, we're all actors. Some of us more than others. I think that at times we forget that we're allowed to be weak, or inadequate. But when we see others around us who are struggling with something, especially physical infirmities, we feel as if we must be stronger than we really are for their sake as well as our own. Don't let everything bog you down in the fact that you're capable of acknowledging your weakness on the inside while still covering up the outside. You're opening up to us, and we're all here to not only listen, but to offer our words of hope and encouragment. Take heart in the knowledge that you are surrounded by people who care and are willing to share your burden, even if we are half a world away in the eather of the internet. We are still with you in spirit.
i wish i could hide my emotions. i've been told many times that they're written all over my face, which i hate. as much as i've tried to change that, it doesn't work. i so wish i could because sometimes i'd like to be.... just.... be.
Oh babe....yeah, I feel you on this one.
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