SOUL SEARCHING
This entry could be the most real, important (to me) that I've written to date. If you're not in the mood for anything more than a lite Sunday night/Monday morning read, please feel free to move on. This pouring-out could get heavy. You have been warned.
Just what feels like a few short months ago, I was feeling on top of the world. Turning 50, while feeling like a daunting feat, seemed to be a breeze for me. The unprofessed fear and trepidation that I felt previous to that fateful day proved ungrounded and I was flooded with relief to find that I handled it. Or should I say survived it. It seemed that after some much-needed inner-housecleaning of sorts, that I had my priorities in order and I felt that I was looking and feeling quite well for a woman of that substantive age and in general, everything was virtually coming up roses. The ominous and dreaded results I had predicated never came to be and I felt that I was home free.
Fast forward to less than a year later and I'm floundering in a state of cerebral turmoil, too fearful to even exert the effort to test the waters; too unsure of myself to commit to working through this. And not liking what's looking back at me in the mirror. People around me daily would argue, I think, as I have used all my energy the past couple of months to hold up my chin and put on a happy face. There comes a time when no one's around that finds me grappling to put the pieces back together. Those times started to come more often lately, so often that I barely had time to pull myself together between episodes. I even hid it from PD and am still working on that. Unless he reads here, he could still be unaware. Or just not saying.
But last night I had an epiphany. What has held me together to this point has in large part been due to the kind and caring words and warmth I've received here, from you guys and I'm ever-so grateful. A lot of things have been coming full-circle for me lately and I won't go into detail but so much so that some things demanded my immediate attention. For instance, how I've come to rely on this crazy-cool phenomenon called the Blogosphere.
Life per se is/was getting too big and scary for me and I was seeking refuge here. It became my safety net, my haven, my little world-away-from-world. Such a dichotomy though, in that I interact here with people all over the world from all walks of life. And it all happens in this little safe space of aboot six square feet. (No I'm not in a closet, just referring to how much space the chair, keyboard and monitor take up...) Amazing how by closing out the world I can't cope with on one hand, on the other I'm opening up and inviting in the same big old world... Mind-boggling.
Anyway, I found this new blog. I will add it to my blogroll when time permits. The author is a bigger Replacements fan than even I. The blog lead me to some other places where I happened to find out, incidentally, that there is some of my heroe's music featured in a movie called Prozac Nation. This, a movie I'd heard aboot years ago and carelessly filed in the back of my mind to watch someday. (Now, this is one of those full-circle things I'd referred to up there.) The same day I visited my friend Angie's blog (post from Jan 9). Lo and behold, she and my other hero (you can't have too many heroes!) TC were discussing Prozac Nation. So last night when I took PD to reload on his movie stash, the movie jumped out at me from the shelf and I rented it.
I just realized that I'm not nearly half-finished with what I have to say but am going to stop here and finish this post later. My little brain needs a rest and my husband would probly appreciate some attention. And dinner, I bet ;-)
*************************************
This entry could be the most real, important (to me) that I've written to date. If you're not in the mood for anything more than a lite Sunday night/Monday morning read, please feel free to move on. This pouring-out could get heavy. You have been warned.
Just what feels like a few short months ago, I was feeling on top of the world. Turning 50, while feeling like a daunting feat, seemed to be a breeze for me. The unprofessed fear and trepidation that I felt previous to that fateful day proved ungrounded and I was flooded with relief to find that I handled it. Or should I say survived it. It seemed that after some much-needed inner-housecleaning of sorts, that I had my priorities in order and I felt that I was looking and feeling quite well for a woman of that substantive age and in general, everything was virtually coming up roses. The ominous and dreaded results I had predicated never came to be and I felt that I was home free.
Fast forward to less than a year later and I'm floundering in a state of cerebral turmoil, too fearful to even exert the effort to test the waters; too unsure of myself to commit to working through this. And not liking what's looking back at me in the mirror. People around me daily would argue, I think, as I have used all my energy the past couple of months to hold up my chin and put on a happy face. There comes a time when no one's around that finds me grappling to put the pieces back together. Those times started to come more often lately, so often that I barely had time to pull myself together between episodes. I even hid it from PD and am still working on that. Unless he reads here, he could still be unaware. Or just not saying.
But last night I had an epiphany. What has held me together to this point has in large part been due to the kind and caring words and warmth I've received here, from you guys and I'm ever-so grateful. A lot of things have been coming full-circle for me lately and I won't go into detail but so much so that some things demanded my immediate attention. For instance, how I've come to rely on this crazy-cool phenomenon called the Blogosphere.
Life per se is/was getting too big and scary for me and I was seeking refuge here. It became my safety net, my haven, my little world-away-from-world. Such a dichotomy though, in that I interact here with people all over the world from all walks of life. And it all happens in this little safe space of aboot six square feet. (No I'm not in a closet, just referring to how much space the chair, keyboard and monitor take up...) Amazing how by closing out the world I can't cope with on one hand, on the other I'm opening up and inviting in the same big old world... Mind-boggling.
Anyway, I found this new blog. I will add it to my blogroll when time permits. The author is a bigger Replacements fan than even I. The blog lead me to some other places where I happened to find out, incidentally, that there is some of my heroe's music featured in a movie called Prozac Nation. This, a movie I'd heard aboot years ago and carelessly filed in the back of my mind to watch someday. (Now, this is one of those full-circle things I'd referred to up there.) The same day I visited my friend Angie's blog (post from Jan 9). Lo and behold, she and my other hero (you can't have too many heroes!) TC were discussing Prozac Nation. So last night when I took PD to reload on his movie stash, the movie jumped out at me from the shelf and I rented it.
I just realized that I'm not nearly half-finished with what I have to say but am going to stop here and finish this post later. My little brain needs a rest and my husband would probly appreciate some attention. And dinner, I bet ;-)
*************************************
posted by One Wink at a Time at 3:49 PM
16 Comments:
I'm sorry you are feeling this way...it seems like you have some things going on that only you will be able to tackle, but please let me know if/when/how I can help. I'm sorry to be moving even further!
Since you are going to be serious so am I.
I'm glad you feel that blogger is an escape. I have felt that way for a while, but never shared that for fear of sounding needy.(lol insideout joke, I tried)But I do need the blog world and I love my friends I've met here. I've have eluded before in some of my post about my need to meet people and blogger is great for that.
Prozac Nation, I love that movie! not to sound weired but I watched it originally because Christina Ricci was in it. The movie turned out to be one of those inspiring stories that you think about for years. I've heard that the movie was better than the book, but I'm still going to read it.
Sounds like I've added another movie to my growing list (which isn't a physical entity, so I rarely ever rent from it).
This community has become valuable to me, too. In fact, I started blogging when we moved more than six hours from anywhere I've ever lived. I have local friends now, but nothing that's made me ditch the relationships I've forged here. (yeah, I used "forged.")
Don't hesitate to unload on us. Just make sure you share the joyous moments, too, because share pain is lessened and shared joy increased. That's a paraphrase, but I like the sentiment.
I was waiting to comment until I saw where your post was going in part two. However, I wanted to take a moment to add my own voice to the support everyone is sharing here.
The friends you've made here will of course continue to support you as you struggle with these feelings. However, I do hope that you have some sort of support structure in the real world. We're very good at posting small, positive comments. We're very good at showing that you're not alone in what you're going through. But we're not particualrly good at sitting next to you while you vent. We're not very good at sharing a hug. So, feel free to keep expressing your feelings here, but I hope there's someone you can sit and talk to.
I have not seen Prozac Nation. It really didn't get many good reviews so I have been waiting for someone I know has my taste in movies to tell me whether it is worth my time.
I would love to be able to cheer you up but since the blog medium can be very impersonal it makes it difficult to know the timing is right for something serious or smarmy. Not that my timing is any better in person, just makes it easier for the other person to slap the crap out of me if I am off base!
I will move you closer to the top of my prayer list as it sounds like you may be in need of just that!
God bless,
Jeff A
I can't tell you the number of times I've refered to blogging as being therapeutic. I find that the contact that I've made with people, while lacking in any physical connection, is just as real and important to me as any other relationship that I've developed. I have also discovered that so many of us, those of us who blog about our personal lives and not just specific ideas or topics, have a kindred spirit in the way we use our blogs to be open about ourselves. And we are quite often more open to these strangers, who read our innermost thoughts, than we are with anyone else. Isn't that kinda what we would do with a therapist? And isn't blogging so much more affordable?
Ju: You're right, it's mine. I'll be fine, don't you worry!
Si: Unplugged? Surely you jest. Aren't you wired 24/7? Part of my problem though, is that I think I rely on my "support group" maybe too much. But the alternative... No. I couldn't.
TC: You can't even be serious when you try, dammit. Thanks though :-)
I know, isn't it amazing how many good friends you've made? As for the movie, yeah, it is weird because she's mainly why I hated it... lol
Mark: Please don't go by my recommendation, I hated the thing. I just haven't gotten to that part of my story yet...
I know how much I care aboot you guys, I mean it's almost like family. Some of us share more than others, some of it rough but most things are positive, I think. And we help each other laugh, right? And I need and love that. I try not to share much pain here but sometimes it just feels really good to let some out, you know?
("forge?" you are such a dork.)
Mokker: Yeah, well. That's another whole subject we're not going to discuss here, but thanks for your concern. In real life, I never have been a person to seek out help in many forms at all. I'm the one usually offering the shoulder. Somehow it's been ingrained in me that it's not really ok to ask for help. I dunno, I'll have to think about that. Anyway, my friends aren't accustomed to me being weak all over them. PD's got his own issues. I'm pretty much used to doing my own maintenance. Ju's a big help, more so than anyone. I'm not even the least bit comfortable dumping on you all, here.
Jeff: I'll post a little about it and you can decide, but I really didn't like it. And usually I can find something to like in just about any movie. This had a loud message, allright. But it would have been less painful if they had just held up a sign with the message on it and I could have read it in two minutes and been done with it.
As for serious or smarmy (love that word), you always seem to be right on target so I guess it's safe to go with your gut. You always make me smile (if not laugh) and what could you possibly offer me that would be better than a spot on your prayer list!? xo
M+: My blog IS my therapy. I don't often open up to the extent that I am the past couple of days. I'm not sure if I've just grown more comfortable or just pushed myself to the point where I can't hold things together myself. But there's a certain amount of anxiety involved, for me. I'm not quite ready to let it all out yet.
But thanks lots for your input. And for not bailing on me ;-)
I think I need to see Prozac Nation...sounds interesting. I'll add it to Netflix right now.
I have been in a comtemplating mood lately too but haven't decided whether to blog about it or not, and/or whether to do it on my public blog....
Mishka: Not saying it was a good movie, imho, but it will make you think a bit if you're in the thinking mood.
age is something that if you're really lucky, you get to experience. Enjoy!
Always glad to help. It's what I do...
Cas: I'm working on it, just got a bit off track. Thanks for reading :-)
M+: I'm glad for that. Thanks :-)
blogging has helped me as well. i've met some of the nicest ppl thru blogging... and it has helped to enrich my life. things have been changing for me. i've met some really nice women lately... in person and it's been a great addition to my life.
i've not seen this prozac nation, but i like christina ricci. maybe i'll download it... but in your last post... it sounds like it could be rather depressing.
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