ANOTHER GIRL, ANOTHER PLANET

Who could have known to write a song about me and what I would feel like after almost 41 hours without smoking a cigarette? I would trade places with a chick on Mars right about now. The cravings aren't as often but when they come they're almost unbearable. The last couple I had this afternoon actually gave me a lump in my throat and I thought I would cry. I keep catching myself thinking that pretty soon I will sit down and enjoy a smoke. Halfway through that thought I realize it's not possible and this heavy feeling of pure sadness comes over me. I don't mean to sound so dramatic, I just need to write this down to help me deal. I've always been this way. I have stacks of journals that I've kept all through my life and I've always used my writing to get me through the hard things as well as the good. One of my favorite gifts this year was given me by my little sister. It is a rather large, hard-bound book called My Life with page after page of questions and subjects to write about. I'm very anxious to get started writing in it. I have often wished that older aunts or grandmothers had kept journals and diaries that I could read now. I would be fascinated. I also want to have something to hand down to JuJu and her kids so they have some idea of their heritage. Before my father died I talked to him for hours about his childhood, school memories and family history. I did the same with his brother who died a few years after my father. He actually kept memoirs and I am the happy keeper of those. There are additional journals that he left for me that I need to get.

Some of my best gifts this year were moments shared. Having my kids and grandkids here was my absolute best gift. I feel bad that I wasn't at my best for them but they haven't complained and seem very concerned about how I'm feeling. I swear having them here has made a big difference in how I'm handling not smoking. They have been great distractions. JuJu was even willing to accompany me to the grocery when I was feeling weak and didn't trust myself to walk past an outdoor ashtray. I actually had a moment of strength and told her I would be ok without her. Wouldn't you know, when I did walk past the ashtray, there was an entire cigarette laying there burning. What a temptation that was. A couple of things happened that completely took my mind off the cigarette that I can share with you. Both of them fall under the category of STHTTMMS. First was a sign on the public bulletin board in the store advertising a home-remodelling company that said in big letters, "WELL HUNG DRYWALL". I realized a woman behind me had read it the same time I did and when I smiled at her, she commented, " I may have to give them a call." What a slut. ;-)

As I was standing in the checkout line, an attractive gentleman in front of me turned to me and smiled. I realized that it was a local celebrity from our town who had moved to Nashville to record and must have been home for the Holiday. We talked a bit, including a conversation about not smoking as he had purchased 4 packs of cigarettes. He told me that he had tried to quit over Thanksgiving using a patch and all that happened was that he got hooked on the patches. His career is going well, he intimated and if you know anything about Country Music, you might be impressed with his recent collaboration with Gretchen What's-her-name. I'm not a fan but if you are, you would know who I mean. So that was an interesting part of my day.

Today is a down day, I'm just lazing around, JuJu and kids are visiting, hubby is sleeping off a bad night's sleep and Mr. JuJu is catching up on some office work here. Strangely quiet here. But not in a bad way.

My sleep has been strange the past few nights, don't know whether to attribute it to the nicotine withdrawal or something else. I have woken several times and been completely disoriented, not realizing where I am, what day it is or where I am supposed to be. I get kind of panicky until I realize that I am supposed to be in my bed sleeping and not somewhere else. Makes for some disruptive sleeping. Could be the alcohol too. I'm not what you would call a regular drinker and what I've consumed over the past few days would probably qualify as excessive for me. As would be the amount of food I've stuffed into my face... I've always thought I could use a few more pounds. We shall see. If JuJu will show me how to post photos, Maybe I will post a "before" picture and then let you see me and laugh your heads off in a few months.

Started to watch "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" last night but fell asleep before the end. Can't say if I liked it or not. Will let you know when I finish it.

Have a good night.