OF ALL THE THINGS I'VE LOST...

...I miss my mind the most. I have been searching relentlessly for the card of the photographer I was talking to at the Artisan's Festival at the Vineyard. I have looked in every cranny of every suitcase, two purses, through all my souvenir bags and I can't find his card. I do remember that his name was Michael...

Did I mention that I was walking around the festival, loving it but with a huge lump in my throat? I found myself feeling ridiculously jealous of the artists. They were there, displaying their work, selling their wares so-to-speak. They all looked so proud and content to me. How did my life get so off track? I wanted to be one of them in the worst way.

So I'm looking at this Michael guy's prints. He did lovely pictures of some sea life but mostly flowers, orchids and hydrangea in particular. The colors were extraordinarily vivid, they looked three dimensional. I asked what camera he used, he told me. I asked him where he found his subjects, he told me. I asked him how long he'd been photographing, he told me and I started to cry. Must have alarmed him a bit. He asked if I was ok. Normally I would have said I was fine and all that but I told him no, I was not ok and why. I told him I was a frustrated artist, newly 50 and working at an unsatisfying dead-end job. We talked for awhile. He was very kind and understanding and I got the feeling he'd been where I am. Finally he asked me if I'd ever read the book, The Alchemist. No. I must. And I must not read it once but over and over and make it my bible.

The next day I saw a boat called Alchemy. And later a store by the same name. If you know me at all, you know I am big on signs and I took these as signs from someone, somewhere that I needed to read that damn book. Then I remembered a print that the Michael guy had done and what it looked like, the picture that drew me in to his area. It was similar to a painting that I had done years ago. It was muted shades of teal and aqua and depicted a beautiful iridescent white-gold seashell. I decided I was drawn in for a reason...

So I bought the book and I'm reading it. Every chance I get. And waiting for the miracle.

Now I'm starting to see the down side of 50. I have this overwhelming sense of urgency hanging over my head. The feeling that I need to get busy living the rest of my life in the best way I can and hopefully, happily and as fulfilled as possible. Too much pressure. I don't even know how I got this far sometimes. And now comes the hard part?

I need a nap.