LITTLE MASCARA...

was all I had left on my face last night after watching The Constant Gardener. The injustice portrayed in this movie against the people suffering from AIDS in Africa was just too much for me to handle. I'm not going to get all into this here because once I get started, there would be no stopping me. As bad as the genocide was that took place in Rwanda and is still taking place today in Darfur, now the pharmaceutical companies are "using and abusing" the African people in a whole new way, all in the name of treating AIDS. Jesus, I can't stand it. Who the f--- decided these people are dispensable? Say prayers and do whatever else you can.

*Deep cleansing breath* I am worthless again this weekend. The movie drained me last night, as did this past week. I have done nothing but sleep since about 10 last night. Must have needed it. Consequently, now I have about 43 things that I have to cram in and accomplish during what is left of today. At some point this weekend I would kind of like to take down my Christmas tree and decorations. (Shut up) Last weekend I used the excuse that I wasn't done looking at the pretty tree yet. This weekend it's ugly and will need dusting. I don't know, when I do get it down, there will be that big empty corner to look at and the room will look bare... And Monday morning at work when someone (inevitably) asks me if I took my tree down YET?! I won't be able to make them laugh when I say "Not yet, get off my back!" if I take it down now. Ah, if I get to it I will. If I don't I won't.

Which brings me to the discussion which took place at work yesterday at my expense... Seems some of my co-workers have noted some "changes" in my personality since I have stopped smoking. They were kind enough to include me in the discussion. Note: my co-workers respect me and love me and know that I would accept their comments in the kind and caring way in which they were intended.

It seems that I get "irritated" more easily now. (Example: A couple of months ago new speakers were installed in the different departments for the PA system. For some reason, ours is sometimes obnoxiously loud. My desk happens to be situated closest to the speaker. I contend that this annoyed me as much before I quit smoking as it does now, I am just more vocal about the intrusion. I do, at times, find myself screaming back at the speaker with a fervor and vengeance not unlike a cornered banshee. What is a banshee, anyway?)

It also seems that I am not as "precise" in my work habits these days. (Example: It was pointed out to me that I used to be very exacting in the practice of applying labels to finished products. My supervisor observed me recently applying a label rather haphazardly and upon noticing that it was not centered, my comment was "Ahhhh, what the hell, it's on there.") The person who pointed this out to me was rewarded by my request that she move her ass so that I could get in the desk drawer.

I guess you need to understand that prior to quitting smoking, my main focus in life was to behave as a lady in public and treat all of mankind with respect and reciprocity. I see now that all of that garbage was nicotine-fueled. Screw it all! Here I am reminded of one of my favorite scenes in Legends of the Fall when the patriarch of the family played by Anthony Hopkins had had a stroke and was forced to communicate with a tablet and stylus. He could barely speak but when confronted by the reality that some bad guys were threatening his family/property, he somewhat coherently bellowed "Screw 'em!!!" I guess that's what happens when you lose your dignity, respect for your fellow man, the need to act like a lady in public, and your nicotine.

What have you got to lose at this point, I ask you.

Now that I've vented all over you, tell me how you plan to spend your weekend and/or what you feel strongly about these days. I'm going to go tackle some chores and I'll be back to talk to you when I'm not feeling quite so feisty.

RQ: "Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made." - Immanuel Kant.