SHIFTLESS WHEN IDLE

After having gotten what actually feels like Enough Sleep and Food for the day so far, I find myself feeling a bit relaxed. Which is a wonderful feeling, for a change. I survived the storm last night, whatever time that was. And a big deal for me- I survived it in my bed and not cowering in the basement by candle light. Don't know if I ever tole you guys but I'm deathly afraid of lightning. When it storms, I have been known to actually gather up all my treasured belongings and put them in one place in case of need for a speedy exit. I don't really have an explanation for this fear; my house was struck once and the lightning started a fire in the walls but I was afraid way before that. The firemen made fun of me because when they arrived, I was out of the house with an umbrella, my purse and a carton of cigarettes. Smartasses, firemen are. The lot of them... Don't have an explanation either for why I was able to stay abed through the storm, except maybe for the kick-ass cough medicine that the doctor gave me. I may have just been paralyzed.

As a continuum (hope I'm using that word correctly, if not Simon can be counted on to bust me, I'm sure) in the "relationship" theme of late, I have read that men tend to base their self-worth on their ability to provide for themselves and family which dates way back to caveman times when it was necessary for them to be great hunters and be able to kill for food and provide shelter for their kin. On the other hand, most women base their self-worth on the quality of their relationships. I find myself sometimes in that category. When all my relationships are going well, when I am contributing to the needs and getting back what I need from loved ones and co-workers, that tends to be gratifying for me and I feel like I'm doing ok. But there are times, like recently when my mom and I weren't doing so good, it really knocked things off balance for me. Not only was I feeling guilty for what happened or didn't, I had a sense of unease that never left until we actually talked things out and were on good terms again. I have never been able to have discord around me or in my personal life without suffering in some way because of it. Even things that I have no control over whatsoever will just eat at me until I find a way to resolve it or come to terms with it somehow. As tough as I try to make people think I am (did I fool you?) it's not me. I can even fool myself sometimes. But there comes a time when it's just me and maybe Mr. Moon, I have to look at reality and um, what? Somebody tell me. I've spent a major portion of my life blocking out the bad stuff and a lot of it seems to be resurfacing at this point in my life and demanding resolution. I'm a little overwhelmed by it. Now dammit when I started this post I was relaxed. Now I'm getting tense. Time for a break. Stay tuned.