ALL SHOOK DOWN

Something bad happened. I was warned. The books say that when a woman reaches a certain point in her life, if she's got unresolved issues, loose ends, that kind of thing (and tell me, what woman doesn't???) she's headed for a crash. Not just a bad day or an uncomfortable week or a period of anxiety and instability, but an all-out, no-holds-barred crash-and-burn kersplatt on the old pavement of life.

I was a little edgy last night. Wanted a cigarette and was feeling restless. Had a glass of wine. Then another. Watched SNL. Everybody went to bed. I was not tired. Worked on a post and couldn't get it to say what I wanted. Thoughts of a thousand other things kept swirling around in my head. I re-read my last post which was about changing things, shaking things up a bit. The more read the more discouraged I got and ended up only able to see what a series of frustrations and disappointments that my life is made up of. I'm not whining. If you hear it that way, quit reading NOW. You don't want to be here and I don't want you here and don't even think of talking to me about it. I'm not even going to go into it. If you know me and we have talked seriously, you know what my life consists of. You also know the good things I have in my life and that I rely on them heavily to get me through the other stuff.

Anyway, all at once EVERYTHING just came down on me and I thought of how easy it would be to just let it all bury me. To just let it all eat me up and spit me out. To give up and give in and quit fighting it. I have never felt so alone in my entire life. That is not an alien emotion for me but I never felt it that deeply. It is not an unusual feeling for us (all); when you get right down to it we all come into this world by our lonesome and that's the state we leave in too. The darkest times in our lives I think are when we feel the most alone.

I am not one to normally deal with things entirely. Over the past, say 10 years, I haven't really dealt with anything head-on and in a way one would consider completely. I don't give myself the time I should to mourn a death or any other life-changing event. Mostly because I can't seem to be able to escape the mainstream long enough to take care of those things. As a result, I got lots and lots of issues on a back burner, simmering. Once in awhile I'll give them a stir but mostly just rely on the smoke detector to alert me if things get too hot or start to smoke. Maybe I neglected to check the battery, I don't know. But "things" were coming to a rolling boil and I had no warning. And wouldn't you know, in the middle of a mild January night near the beginning of 2006, the lid blew off the pot and all the bubbling, festering shit I had in that pan just spewed out all over. And I didn't have a thing to clean it up with. So I just broke down and I cried. And I cried and I cried until I couldn't cry anymore.

After awhile I got calmed down and was pretty drained and went to bed. Sleep was not in the cards. I couldn't get my head cleared out and as I lay there everything started closing in again. I got up and had another drink and hoped I wasn't going to feel like hell when I got up on top of the condition my head was in already. Exhaustion finally came and I went to sleep thinking and wondering how I let things get so bad and how will I ever get past this.

I was drained when I got up this morning and no one commented but I'm sure I looked a bit ravaged and kinda rough around the edges. Just feeling kind of numb now. So much for turning over a new leaf. I don't feel like I have what it takes to even turn a page let alone initiate a new chapter in my life. Maybe this will all work out. Baby steps they say. I wonder if I had seen this coming if there was something I could have done that would have made a difference. I thought I was handling things halfway decently without the cigarettes. I think that feeling alone thing was what really did it though. I've been going there a lot lately (to my alone place) for solace. And maybe I let too much stuff pile up outside the door. I will work through this. Please don't expect a lot from me in the near future. I'm a big girl, I'll be fine.

On a lighter note, I really enjoyed the kid's visit. It was nice and relaxed. We decided not to run around a lot, so there was virtually no stress. And wonder of all wonders, Baby JuJu slept through the night. But I'll let JuJu tell you that.

New Feature starting today, Relevant Quotations, or RQ: "Why do you hasten to remove anything that hurts your eye, while if something affects your soul, you postpone the cure until next year?" - Horace