NOW I WONDER

I guess the past couple months or so I have made a pretty big deal aboot turning fifty and all this new insight I've (?) inherited. It is still there, to a degree, but I'm seeing something new now. It's kind of like an instance where you do without something for a long time. Somehow you acquire whatever that thing is that you lacked. You get very comforable with that thing and then you want more of that thing. You get more and before you know it you get real greedy and just crave more and more and more. Well, it's kind of like that. I started seeing things in a new way, understanding more. I'm stuck in that mode now and although it gets overwhelming at times, I just try to fill my head up with so much new stuff. I call it "stuff" because I don't want to call it knowledge, cause it ain't like book learnin'. I hesitate to call it insight because that connotates a kind of intuitiveness. Maybe it is more intuition, now that I think aboot it. But even more, it's a deeper understanding of things I already knew. For instance, as I think of the whole process right now, I realize that I can see things a little clearer simply because I've discarded so much non-important stuff from inside my head. When you rid a room of clutter, there's simply more room for other things.

People, though; the things they do or say, how they react in certain situations. Those are the things that still stump me. I don't understand people in general. Things used to make sense. Why a person might get defensive, or snap, or cry, or be rude, used to be a common sense-kind of thing. Anymore though, I don't know. People are (or seem to be) unpredictable. I think, too, that people have gotten so good at masking or putting on for whatever reason that it's just gotten too easy to be that way. And too hard for the rest of us to tell the difference. I get very tired trying to understand people. Makes me long for another time, back when life was simpler and people were not so wrapped up in fronts and egos and impressions. Once people were concerned aboot their reputations and lived their lives in an accepted manner for that reason.

Ah, maybe I'll continue this tomorrow, maybe I won't. I'm boring myself and lost my direction. Could be that I'm completely exhausted. Don't tell JuJu, but she is amazing. How she takes care of a house and a husband, a six-year-old AND a one-year-old is so far beyond my comprehension that I can't even remember the beginning of this sentence. Sure I did it, but the world was a bit different then. I just know that there is a valid reason that women my age do not continue to procreate. It's called lack of stamina. Not patience, stamina. I have more patience than I ever have. But energy, shit. Forget it.

I apologize for not posting a trivia question. I will tomorrow. Just. Too. Tired.