BENT OUT OF SHAPE

I was afraid this would happen. I knew sooner or later it would. And there's not a thing I can do aboot it.

I have nothing to say.

Maybe I should rephrase that. I have things to say. It's just that there is so much swirling around in my roomy skull that I cannot for the life of me sort it out and come up with an intelligent sentence expressing anything at all. The word maelstrom comes to mind. That's what the inside of my head feels like. I don't know whether to attribute it to the rainy-on-top-of-rainy weather we've been having, the fact that I feel constantly these days that I'm missing out on something (not sure what exactly) or that I just can't find my center. If you have any ballet background at all (which I'm sure most of my readers do- Ha!) you'll know what I mean. Think of it this way: When you are standing on one foot and you need to maneuver around to find yourself balanced, you arrange the parts of yourself to insure that your weight is distributed evenly so you don't fall on your ass. Does this make sense to you? Whether it be a goal to shoot for or a direction to take or even just finding that peaceful place inside, a person has to have their center. I feel like I'm stretching in forty different directions and going to end up back exactly where I am. I can't relax, I feel like I should be accomplishing something. Anything. And I don't and I'm not. I hope this passes. It's not a good feeling. I need a focus, something to set my sights on. I don't want to wake up a year from now and still be where I am now. I don't mean here, physically. I mean here, in this mental state of dissatisfaction. I feel like I've been on a rollercoaster the past few months. I have gone from the glee of anticipation to a relatively comfortable resolve to uncertainty to this. Arrrggghhh! Tomorrow will likely bring some other kind of craziness. Maybe it's my psyche trying to tell me to get off my duff and make something interesting happen. That's all well and good, I would love to comply. But who has the time? Aha! Maybe that's it. Time constraints. I must confess I have been feeling like I'm running out of time. That would account for all the crap racing around in my head. It's something like a benign terror, fear of not acting out all the scenarios I have stored up there. And let me tell you, it's a super-mega warehouse full of plans. Not just big things; little things and everything in between. A virtual lifetime full of moments and words and feelings and ideas. And here I am, over half-way through and I still need to cram so much in.

Now that I got that off my chest I think I'll go to bed. Oops, not yet, have some stuff to do first.

By the way, please say a prayer for Ruby. He's not feeling too cool.

Blasting Zone today: Tibet by Waterbone. Awesome music, check it out. You can google it yourself, I'm not your link whore ;-)